just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
