Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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