I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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