Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
babies were throwing up all over the place
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
