soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
