She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
