You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
