I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
