last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
