So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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