last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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