I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
