and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I look better un-naked...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
