K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
