A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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