Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
