Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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