Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
