Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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