Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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