I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
