??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
