I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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