So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
