I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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