I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
