No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
