Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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