Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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