i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
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I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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