why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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