I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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