I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
