If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We need a shit load of segways right now
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
