I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
