he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
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Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
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Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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