I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
