I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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