My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Randomize
