It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
