the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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