The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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