I think im going to throw up on grandma
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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