Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
