At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
