i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
