Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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