i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
