I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
