I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
