If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
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I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
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How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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