My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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