if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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