Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I would fuck him just for his dog
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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