I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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