I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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