The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
