i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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